Learning the unforced rhythms of grace

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I want to understand . . .

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The past few weeks have been busy and this morning, I have an overwhelming desire to understand.  I want to know the implications of my actions and  the effect of my words on others. I don't feel needy for affirmation but I do feel needy to understand. I want to somehow pull all the minutes from the past few weeks into my hand and see them, in one glance, and realize all that's happened. It feels like a blur of conversations, prayers, details and significant and important moments.

And then I thought . . . why? Haven't the past few weeks been an exercise of letting go? Haven't I been releasing my tight grip on areas that I've wanted to control? Could it actually mean that the reason I have this desire to understand is actually a sign that things have been out of my control? And if that is the case, perhaps it is a time of celebration instead.

What, in fact, could I gain from grasping understanding of everything that has happened?  I could journal (that's usually how I process things) but this morning it feels deeper than that. I imagine I would analyze, evaluate, regret, feel good, feel bad, make plans for next time . . . all from a human brain with a limited amount of wisdom and a one-sided perspective. Hmmm. . .

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"Lord, as much as I want to understand  - I am beginning to see that it probably is more about saving myself from looking stupid or unorganized or ill-prepared. It is a desire to contain all the ways that You have helped me pour out to people and drag that all back into one place for understanding.

It's not my business, is it Lord? You want to pour Your love out to this world, through my life. That is your business. Forgive me for wanting to control through understanding. Thank you for this understanding that you have granted me so generously today. amen."