Memories, Burdens and the Zoo
I remember the day that my burden of living with a chronic illness lifted.
I was 29, recovering from my 7th surgery, and a dear friend of ours, who was helping each day of the recovery, took our two preschool sons to the zoo for the afternoon. It was hard not to be with them. I cried a lot while I lay on the couch, tending to my abdominal stitches and trying to follow the rules about resting.
I prayed out loud into our empty house, “God, what kind of mom am I to not be with my kids? Will this harm them? Will they lack something someday because I have been a sick mom their whole life so far? How do I do this? How do I parent? What do I do? I mean, how do I love them and be a mom? I’m so afraid of failing at this privilege.”
And in the quiet, a memory of a story from the Bible interrupted my thoughts and tears. I opened my Bible to read it.
“One of the religion scholars spoke… posing a question they hoped would show him up: “Teacher, which command in God’s Law is the most important?” Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ These two commands are pegs; everything in God’s Law and the Prophets hangs from them.” (Matthew 22:36-38)
At that time in the culture, there were SO many rules. The religious leaders kept piling more and more rules on the people and they were burdened by what they could or could not do. When Jesus came, he taught a new way. Jesus said,
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? (me: YUP! The people would have agreed!) Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
I closed my Bible and prayed out loud again, “Okay God, so loving You is the most important thing, then loving others just as compassionately as I love myself, that is what matters most to you? Okay, but I’m not sure how that looks in the day-to-day stuff.”
Just then, the door unlocked and two excited preschoolers came bounding in the door, kicking off their shoes and running over to me on the couch. They were so good at remembering to not jump on me so they hugged my head and held my hands as they told me EVERYTHING they saw and did. I listened, smiled and laughed with them, asked questions and when they ran out of stories, they hugged me again and bolted off into the kitchen for lunch that our friend was making.
I snuggled back into the couch pillows and silently prayed, “God, like that? Is it that simple?” and I felt a resounding ‘Yes!’ in my soul. I don’t know how else to explain it, because God’s communication with us is mysterious and I don’t want to write a script that demystifies the holiness of God. But I can tell you, that something in my whole mind, body, heart, and spirit lifted. The burden of illness that I carried was lighter, not gone, but lighter. I noticed it. I felt it. And I smiled.
Today is 25 years later, our kids are grown, married and have kids of their own. I’m currently resting on the couch, tending to pain that lingers until my next surgery in a few months. And this morning, I am wondering, if God had not lifted my burden back then, what kind of non-essential things would I have added to my daily list of to-do’s that would’ve weighed me down unnecessarily?
the need for a spotless, clean house, a well-stocked fridge, and the ability to create a beautiful meal for guests at a whim
that I would be a super-mom
that I would attend every one of our kids’ events, every activity, be involved and helpful as much as they needed
that I would be a super-wife, beautiful, fit, athletic, and not “needy” in any way
that I would be helpful in my church, neighborhood, extended family, city, wherever help was needed
that I would contribute equally to our home financially
that I would be a giver, not a taker, helpful to my friends, independent to take care of my own needs
Ugh, can you feel how suffocating and “I” focused this list is?
And yet those were (and sometimes still are) the pressures I felt from culture, and the ones I put on myself. What an amazing gift it has been to have so many other beautiful people involved in our lives and in the lives of our kids. A community of loving people helped us raise our kids and care for the tasks in our home while Randy worked and helped me back and forth to the hospital, etc. Randy prepped the nursery instead of me and painted a huge cityscape and tree mural that went up onto the ceiling of the wall. (I never would’ve thought of that or had the skills!) He embraced his role and responsibilities as a husband, father, household manager, and financial provider. He loved us well. He also had to learn to reach out to friends for his support too. Friends helped and we learned how to receive it. Our lives have been full and rich with community and God provided us with the ability to open our hands to new ways. I’m so glad.
Today I am praying for you. Whether all this God talk is familiar to you or strange, I’m praying that God will comfort you in the burden/s that you carry and show you where you can release any of it as non-essential and receive the peace that He longs to give you. If you want to talk about any of this or have questions, let me know. I’d be happy to listen.
