Attic Time
One thing I love about dreams is that they allow you to experience realities that may or may not match your actual reality. Or sometimes, they give insight into our subconscious and other times, they are just the result of eating too much pizza at midnight! Whatever the reason, I’m fascinated by them.
About six months ago, I had a dream that was so vivid and answered a cry of my heart that I didn’t even know was there.
It was so meaningful and profound (to me) that I have just pondered it close to my heart. But today, I thought I’ll share it. Maybe it will mean something to you. I hope that it does.
The dream …
I was running (as is common in dreams) except this time, instead of trying to run while my feet stay stuck in one place or in slow motion, I was actually moving forward!
There was something chasing me, although I couldn’t see who it was, I just knew that I wanted to get as far away as I could.
Coming up to a large house on a corner, almost like a tall coffee shop/bookstore type of building, I banged on the door with my fist. Somehow I knew that it was a safe place and somehow I knew that I wanted to be inside. The door opened and a large man with kind eyes welcomed me in.
I knew immediately that I could trust him and yet I felt ashamed of the panicked way that I showed up at his door and the shabby clothes I was wearing. I looked around and saw so many people but none of them looked like me.
He draped a beautiful coat around my shoulders and so I put my arms in. It had an asian design with tiny buttons down the front and pale colors, with embossed embroidery designs all over it. As soon as I had it on, I realized that I knew this coat and knew that once you wore it, you belonged to this house and you were protected. Somehow I knew that already. I had seen these coats before. I felt safe and warm and a little stronger than I had just a few minutes before.
The man led me through the house, showing me around each floor. it was busy, lots of people working and talking and laughing. they smiled at me but didn’t interfere with the tour and didn’t seem to mind that I was cautiously walking through. I was glad to see how happy everyone was to be in this house but to me, it felt too loud and overwhelming. I asked if there were other floors I could see and he led me up the stairs to an attic.
He opened the door and I smiled. It was quiet, and I noticed a woman reading a book in a rocking chair. She looked up and smiled peacefully and then went back to reading. (I observed that noone seemed anxious or startled easily.) On the floor there were cushions and pillows and little quiet nooks for reading or napping and three skylights letting the sunshine in. I wanted to stay there but I wasn’t sure if I was allowed … but I did know that if I was, this is exactly where I wanted to stay.
then . . . I woke up.
My pain level has been so high this past year that after many tests and treatments, I’ve been referred to specialists for kidney and liver and in the meantime, my doctor has put me on high pain medication for comfort. I’m grateful but also am aware that this is not over. Sometimes, this reality gets so heavy, so burdensome that I’m just exhausted, much like the feeling I had on the main floor of that house in my dream. So I began to wonder, what if I could stay in that attic? I mean, what would that look like in my real life, if I asked for what I really wanted? What would that look like?
Both my doctors and counselor have encouraged me to be gracious and show myself compassion and so I’ve been practicing that and have made some progress in learning how to ask myself what I need and then take steps to care for that. But to stay in the attic? To ask to stay there? That is a whole new level of self-compassion that was fascinating to me.
And so I did. I prayed “God, me again. Can I stay here? Can I choose quiet and restful environments? Can I choose to not participate in volunteering at my church or neighborhood? Can I say no to good things even if they are good in order to rest? Can I lean into this self-compassion thing to such a degree that I recover some deeply needed rest? I can’t imagine that I will need to stay here forever, but I might be more of an attic-girl than a main-floor-girl and I imagine that is okay because that is how You’ve created me. Right?”
I grew up observing in people around me that especially as a female, I didn’t really have permission to honestly say what I need and go after those things. But that kind of thinking keeps clashing against the gracious love of Jesus that I’ve experienced over the years and the way that I read how Jesus treated women in the stories in the Bible. So, I asked.
It had been about six months of deep rest, of “attic living”, reading, praying, sitting in the backyard watching the birds build a nest, watering the flowers, building a fire and not inviting anyone over. Just resting. And during this time, Jesus calmed my mind, flooding my heart with his love, his grace, his permission to just be. I realized how many times I “heard” the sound from the main floor of life, of church, of the neighborhood and felt a pang of guilt but then moved back away from the door, back deep into the corners of the attic to rest. It has been an amazing and sacred time.
But here is the interesting thing, during this time, God has helped me hear the deepest cries of my own heart, my own desires, away from the needs of others, I’ve been able to hear my own. And so, after six months of attic-living, I registered with Kairos - through Houston School of Theology to pursue a masters in counseling! I started a few months ago now, and LOVE it! This kind of work will take me deep into the brokenness of my own and other people’s lives but having experienced attic-living now, I can invite others to do the same!
So I invite you to consider, are there deep desires in your own heart that you can’t hear because of the noise or because of the environments you are in or choose to participate in? Can I encourage you to hear the invitation of Jesus . . .
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me. Watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn how to live freely and lightly!” - Jesus, Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)
