My perspective shifted yesterday. God gave me a pep talk.

Here’s what happened.

In a few weeks, I’ll be meeting with my surgeon to discuss the removal of my large intestine. The ileostomy surgery done in January was a success and I’m content to keep it. Still, the large intestine has been protesting and wants food to stop being diverted away so it has created something known as “Diversion Colitis” — its rebellion. Inflammation, pain, and a multitude of symptoms have kicked in and it’s been a rough few months. I did a round of intense treatment for four weeks but nothing has changed. I’m ready to have the surgeon take it out, gut me, remove the whole large intestine — I’m ready.

It is a major surgery though. It involves an incision down the front of the stomach rather than a laparoscopic style, a change to the ileostomy, and a sewing up of the back exit known as a “Barbie Butt”. That’s right. No need for an exit if the colon is gone. Yeah, I know, pretty weird.

I’ve been researching and talking with others who have had this second surgery and they highly recommend it, wishing they had it sooner. I know the recovery is difficult and complications and risks are always there but I’d rather have it gone than do maintenance on an organ that is not being used. But I’ve felt this heavy feeling as I’ve been thinking about this, disappointed that it’s necessary and just feeling gloomy about it, fearful.

As I journaled and prayed yesterday, I could feel my eyes starting to well up and a lump forming in my throat. I know when this happens that things are about to get real and I’d better face the feelings that were showing up. I admitted to God that I was scared. I was scared of the pain, the wounds and incisions, the unknowns, and the long recovery and healing process. I hadn’t cried yet about this as I had been in research mode, but tension had been building in my heart and mind and now my body was starting to feel it. Tears flowed freely.

As I sat with the Lord and my heart was finally soft enough to listen, the words that came to me were from Romans 8… “What’s next, Papa?” I looked it up and it goes like this: (Paul is talking to followers of Jesus) “This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children.”

I liked this! I kept reading.

The whole chapter is amazing! It felt like a pep talk and I began to remember something. In all my 31 years of Endometriosis, hypothyroidism, osteoarthritis, recent ileostomy, and now diversion colitis, I’ve never been alone! In the starkest of moments of pain, in every emergency room, hospital bed, MRI machine, and waiting room, God’s presence has been with me. I don’t know how you’ll hear this if it sounds familiar or just really weird, but all I can say is that it has been true for me!

I am generally a positive person and usually look on the bright side, sometimes to a fault, but my positive attitude falls absolutely flat when pain is high or when hope for improvement gets dashed. It can’t withstand the intensity of reality.

But God never changes, never tires, is never worn out or bored of showing up, never ashamed of me or embarrassed. His love never changes. It’s real, it’s strong, it’s true, and it is enough to give me hope for the future. It might be a future with more pain, more illness, more weird things that change my body or alter my agenda and plans. But the adventure that God calls me to within all of this is better than anything I could imagine.

I may not be planning a physical adventure this summer, I may not be able to climb a mountain or kayak or travel to faraway places, but God invites me to rest in his love for me, to know contentment, to be “adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” and I look forward to seeing all that he has in mind for me and how He may want to use me to encourage others in a very tired and stressed out world.

My perspective has changed. I’m ready for adventure, the kind that God plans!