Cleaning Lady and Letting Go
Tomorrow, we have a cleaning lady coming to our home. I've been unable to keep up with the deeper, heavy cleaning of the house so we decided to hire it out. It's not a big deal, at least it shouldn't be . . . but I must admit, it feels like one.
Living with a chronic illness means experiencing many losses. Before I was diagnosed, I would have defined myself as strong and useful! I took pride in that. (There's the problem! :)) But for the past 24 years, getting out of bed in the morning takes time, inflammation in my joints need oiling up before I can head out for the day, and pain and energy is a daily challenge. I need naps, medications, doctor appointments, low stress, low commitments, heating pads and rest. So, admitting that I need help with one more task is humbling. There have been so many other things that I have already had to let go of.
"But aren't you relieved?" you might ask? Yes, I am. I will be. But today, I feel the tension of letting go again, and it hurts a bit.
Yesterday I wrote about this in my journal, telling God my honest thoughts that I felt embarrassed about needing so much help. I flipped through my Bible looking for some insight and found this in 2 Corinthians 6 . . .
Okay, so what does that look like? It means that when she comes tomorrow, I simply thank her for being here, show her around and then get out of the way. It means, I don't "justify" or "explain" why I can't clean my own house. I simply work on other things and let her do her job. It means restraint, self-discipline, and a decision to make myself a cup of coffee and relax in another room. It means being open to who this lady is, what God might have in mind for our working-relationship, and what God might have in mind for her and for me! It means opening up my mind and heart to this new experience, and embracing it for all the known and unknown reasons.
Perhaps this open and expansive life that Paul talks about in Corinthians is about becoming familiar with letting go, not afraid of it. Familiar, like song lyrics that come back easily when you hear the music. I'd like that.